My primary care physician says I need to get a new psychiatrist now that I’ve moved back to Chicago permanately. She tells me that a specialist needs to manage my medication for my ADHD and binge eating disorder. The Concerta isn’t working for the binge eating and that’s my chief complaint. Dr. S. would prefer to switch me to Vyvanse since that’s the golden choice for BED. I explain that Vyvanse was Wendy’s, my psychiatric nurse practitioner in Virginia, first choice. Vyvance was ridiculously priced for more than $200/month even with my insurance and the Concentra was only $18/month. I’m with Dr. S. for almost an hour despite the waiting lobby being packed. I really like her so far and found her when I was profiling doctors online before choosing one. Finding a black physician was important to me and her being a woman was a bonus.
Dr. S is patient and thorough when it comes to educating. She doesn't judge as I answer her questions as honest and accurately as possible. She takes her time performing a physical and wellness exam compared to most physicians who will have you in and out in under 15 minutes. I tell Dr. S. that I’ve been binging since I was in my early 20s and I’m approaching 30 in a few months. We discuss the previous lab tests Wendy had ordered and my Genomind report. The Genomind report is used for "determining my genetic makeup, potential neurochemistry, and insights related to drug metabolism, absorption, and penetration." I tell Dr. S. that my only other diagnosis is pre-diabetes but how I think it’s because I binge so often. She agrees that it could be a contributing factor since I choose sweets and carbs as my vice. She recommends that we just monitor it for now.
My binges are disgusting and shameful. They used to only last 2-4 days but then turned into 7+. I can eat 3000+ calories in one day and not feel full. Sometimes I’ll eat everything that’s in my lunchbox for the day by noon on workdays and also keep snacks in my pockets. I’ve stopped up to 3 times driving home to continue binges multiple times. Convience store or gas station.. Burger King for an apple pie.. then McDonald’s for a McDouble and small fry. I’ve stood in my kitchen multiple times for 1+ hours, still wearing my coat, as soon as I got home because all I could focus on is food. I’ll get almost to the point where I need to vomit.. pause until it passes.. then continue. I’ve frequently had to replace foods that I’ve “borrowed” from roommates before they noticed.
I get pissed when someone points out that I won’t stop eating. I’ll screen phone calls because I don’t want anyone to hear me ordering or chewing. I’ve missed out on social outings/dates because I become disgusted with myself and have been told that my body image is distorted. I’ll stay in the house because I feel like the bloating and weight gain are tale tale signs that I lacked “self control.” My face gets fuller and my clothes don’t fit the way I want them to.
It’s upsetting when people refuse to acknowledge BED as a disorder/addiction or how I feel when I try to open up about it . I get told that I’m being irrational and/or dramatic because, “anyone would love to be your size. Stop complaining.” It’s dismissive and I don’t feel like I’m being heard because I feel like people choose to only see my exterior. I hated spending 2+ hours in the gym on following days to try to drop the new weight faster or at least turn some of it into muscle so I stopped. BED is an addiction just like alcoholism and drug abuse because all three need some type of treatment. The most memorable thing that Wendy ever told me as I bawled in her office one day was, “you’ll lose the weight when you stop binging.” Easier said than done.
Dr. S. has me schedule a follow up appointment to see her in a month. She wants to talk to me after my labs have resulted and I talk with the psychiatrist that I’m supposed to make an appointment with. She points out that nurses are notorious for being bad patients and I laugh because she's right. Fast forward one month, I tell Dr. S at my follow up appointment that I'm still working on finding a psychiatrist. Cigna insurance has an online portal but it's difficult to navigate and there's no available appointments until almost 2 months out with the providers they have. Wait lists for seeing a psychiatrist are commonly long so she’s understanding. I let Dr. S. know that I have a phone interview/intake scheduled for a behavior health facility later that day. She writes me a one month prescription for my Concerta to get me through until I see the actual physician but halves the dose.
I'm pretty much begging for the medicine at this point. Even though the Concerta isn't working for my binge eating I still need it because but I feel like my ADHD has gotten worse. I’m horribly anxious and can’t focus on anything. People and conversations are overwhelming me. When I get this way I see moving shadow figures out the corner of my eyes that take up the form of something like a dog. I know nothing is there but I will see them a couple of times over a few days. My anxiety is high.
The person who does my intake for the behavioral health facility schedules me for a date that’s 2.5 weeks out with a bonus therapy session scheduled afterwards in the same building. Thank God!
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